


Campfires, New Years, and Butterflies

by WatchingWillow



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Coming Out, Depression, F/F, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26078116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchingWillow/pseuds/WatchingWillow
Summary: When Maya was little she said she was going to marry Riley one day.But as she grew up she started to notice that she really did want to marry her and it wasn't just a dumb thing she said when she was a kid. As time moved on, Maya began to think more and more negatively and she began to do things that she shouldn't.Like cutting herself to relieve the pain. To harm herself as punishment for hurting others, like Riley by keeping secrets from her.
Relationships: Maya Hart/Riley Matthews
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

My life is a mess, always has been, always will be. Life is shaky and rough, like a stack of cardboard boxes that are close to tipping over and collapsing. The stability of the boxes get worse and worse as life goes on, more things piling on top of it, making it shake more and more until it all falls down. I didn't know what exactly was causing all of this instability at first, but eventually I began to take notice of it. Then, when I looked back at my childhood, I finally understood. The puzzle pieces all found their proper places and I knew that my dirty little secret, the thing I had been pushing away was true.

I, Maya Hart, was gay. I liked girls. More specifically, I liked my best friend, Riley Matthews.

***

The first time my feelings for Riley came into play was when I was young. Super young. Kindergarten young. It was a warm day in the middle of June close to the end of the school year. Riley and I sat side by side colouring. It was just us for a while. Right as I was about to finish my masterpiece we were interrupted.

"Ladies," Farkle slid in between me and Riley.

"Farkle," Riley and I said in unison.

"Remember how I said I was going to marry one of you one day?" He asked.

"I remember that!" Riley chimed in.

"As do I," I added. "But, you see Farkle, that can't happen."

"Why not?" Farkle frowned.

"Because I'm going to marry Riley one day," I stood up and took and sat on the other side of my best friend. I then wrapped an arm around her and Riley didn't say anything. She didn't have anything to say for once, and I questioned whether or not I had made her uncomfortable.

"Oh, okay then!" Farkle stood up and walked away from us, and when it was just me and Riley left, Riley spoke up.

"Do you mean that Peaches? That you'll marry me?"

"Of course I do!" And that was that. No follow ups, no more conversing. We just began to colour in peace and quiet once again. Our relationship was stable like that. We didn’t need to talk to understand what one another was feeling. This all just came naturally to us.

I made the final stroke of my masterpiece a minute later. When I looked over at Rileys drawing I smiled.

A purple cat. Classic Riley.

***

I didn't think much of my childhood, I mean there weren't exactly many nice moments to think about in all honesty. My family life has always been a mess with my mom working double shirts to keep us stable. My dad left us when I was five years old, and I’ve always known that I was the one to cause the fights. I was the one who drove him away. There wasn’t much else to it. It was my fault, and there is no arguing with that.

The one good thing I’ve always had was Riley. Her and her family gave me something to look forward to each day. But seeing them so happy and stable occasionally made me feel bad too, because I’ve always known that I can’t have that.

But for the most part I was happy with them. Until I began to question my feelings for my best friend. Once I started to do that, I realized something was off about the way we interacted. That something was me. I was gay.

The moment that clicked into place, I felt terrible. I wasn't supposed to be gay, I was supposed to be straight and end up with Farkle or something, and Riley would have her own perfect boyfriend, Ranger Rick. I just had to make things complicated.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do to realise the pain. Cut.

I don’t remember the exact moment I began to start cutting, but once I started I couldn’t stop. It was just another dirty little secret I had to sweep under the rug. Another part of my life that I wouldn’t tell Riley about.

Because if Riley found out about my dirty little secrets, she’d leave me for sure. Or she’d tell her parents who would separate us because I'm an unstable mess.

I am a bad influence.

***

Farkle knew about my feelings before anyone else. Even before me. He took me aside one day, and he pressured me to tell everyone. I couldn’t do that though. He told me I only had a certain amount of time before he confessed for me. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. I couldn’t get myself to come out and say that I was gay.

So I waited. I kept pushing the “snooze” button on this alarm clock, but eventually I was going to have to wake up and face reality.

But, I used my favourite way of snoozing my alarm clock and I cut.

One long and jagged cut because Farkle knew. Knowing Farkles plan didn’t help at all either. When he finally decided to go out and tell everyone, my heart would stop and I would need to inflict even more pain upon myself. Because I deserve it, and it’s the best way to get revenge on myself for being broken. The clock was ticking, and I was running out of time.

It was only a matter of time before someone took away my rug and let my secrets loose.

***

It slipped out at the campfire in Texas. When it was just me and Lucas sitting together by the warm fire. He was perplexed by Riley and I did my best to keep my cool. But that was hard, especially when he asked me if I liked him. I didn’t of course, I’m gay, I don’t like boys. But I do like Riley, which is something we both have in common. So maybe that's why I get jealous of him, because Riley can like him in a way she can’t like me.

“What’s going on?” Lucas asked, throwing his hands up in confusion.

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly.

“I’m her brother now?” He sat down next to me.

“Apparently.”

“You like me?” He looked at me.

My instant reply was “No.”

“Maya, why didn’t you want me to ride in the rodeo?”

“Because I didn’t want you to win and get all conceded.”

“I don’t think that's it.”

“I don’t think that's it,” I mocked him.

“I don’t talk like that! I just don't!” He was getting agitated. “Why do you see me like that!”

“Of course I don’t see you like that,” I laughed a bit. “Can we just…” I stumbled over my words. “Can we just look at this fire, please.”

“Yes.”

Lucas looked at me, and I noticed right away. He was analyzing me, and I didn’t like it. “Stop.” He looked away. But then he looked again at me, and I couldn’t take it. “Can we just stop? It’s been bad enough I’ve been keeping this secret from Riley this whole time!”

“What secret?”

“You guys are just so alike. I thought you were just like brother and sister too.”

“Why?”

“You’re at your best when you’re just talking to one another. Looking out for each other. That's what I believed, but I kept it a secret.” I was lying to him. I needed this. If I said what I really meant it would all crumble down. My lies. My dirty little secrets. “And now the secrets out so I don’t have to carry it around with me anymore. I just don’t want to have to keep any more secrets from her.”

“So you don’t make fun of me because you like me?” Lucas asked. Of course he would go back to me liking him- which I don’t.

“I’m just going to watch this fire.”

“Maya, why do you make fun of me?”

“Because you’re easy to make fun of.”

“Okay then stop.”

“Because you’re a huckleberry, a ranger rick!”

“Would you stop.”

“Look if I had feelings for you don’t you think I’d come right out and say it? Well I don’t so I just say ha-hur!” He grabbed my face, we we’re inches apart. But then he let go and I could breathe again. I was confused. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know I just wanted you to stop, please don’t tell my sister.”

“You couldn’t think of another way to stop me?” I was really confused.

“Not at the time, no.” A second later he added: “I’m sorry.”

“You should be sorry,” I said. “Because I really don’t like you like that.”

“Then why do you act like you do.”

“I’m going to tell you something, but you have to promise to keep it a secret. Okay?”

“I promise,” he took a minute to say it.

“I act like I like you because I need some sort of cover up. A way to prevent people from realizing my real crush...because I like a girl. And she just happens to be my best friend.”

“But why on me? Why couldn’t you pick anyone else?”

“Because you’re a good guy, Lucas. Perfect for Riley, not me though.”

“And you have feelings for Riley?”

“Of course I like her.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t want to have any more secrets from her.”

I rushed to the bathroom after a while, the desire to cut rushing through my veins. Every cut I added to my collection was for something that had gone wrong in my life.

Farkle knew.

Lucas knew.

My dad left me.

I have a crush on my best friend.

I don’t have a normal family life, and I probably never will.

Once I was done, I washed my arm, making sure the bleeding stopped, covered them up with a long sleeved shirt, and went to bed. ha

I didn’t fall asleep easily though. I kept thinking about what Farkle had said about me running out of time to tell. I really hope he keeps his mouth shut.

***

It was close to New Years Eve, Riley and I were sitting at her house eating Mac and Cheese. I didn’t think we would talk about much, as I was doing my best to hold the campfire scene from her, but she would eventually have to know about it. Learn my dirty little secret.

“How long are we going to avoid this?” She asked.

“We aren’t avoiding nothing.” I quickly replied. I was used to this, though that didn’t make it right. “Just like nothing happened between me and Lucas.”

Riley looked at me in shock. And then she fish-faced at me.

“I know what it was, you don’t have to fish-face at me!” She continued. “There wasn’t a kiss!” I exclaimed.

“There wasn’t?”

“No.”

“What was there?”

“He just grabbed my head and stared at it real close.” Riley mimicked that. “Y-yeah just like that,” I looked into her eyes for a moment, and my heart pounded in my chest.

“Thats a good move,” Riley mused.

“I hated it.”

“Let’s discuss.”

“Life has moved on, other things are happening,” and then Riley did the unthinkable. She poured ketchup on her mac and cheese. “If you pour ketchup on that mac and cheese i will never forgive you.”

Riley and I were talking about the book we were reading, I was only on page 7 and she was on page 305. We were reading for the same amount of time. She interrupted our fest with a rash decision. She would throw a New Years Eve Ball- um no excuse me- A DANCE. Charlie Gardner invited himself, as he was lurking in the shadows, and he told Lucas and Farkle all about it.

“You know what will be really interesting?” Charlie asked. “Who will be with who at midnight.”

“Yeah, that will be interesting, Maya.” Farkle said. “Hey, you know what else is interesting? Doing this.”

And then, Farkle pulled me outside.

“We had a deal, Maya. I gave you time to tell everyone about how you feel. Now, you’re running out of time. You have to tell them how you really feel about Riley.”

“Oh, this has something to do with New Years, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t start New Years off with a lie.”

“Farkle, I can't tell her. She doesn’t like me like that.”

“You don’t know how she feels, she doesn’t even know how she feels. Do you know why?” He asked.

“No, I don’t. But what I do know is that I can only read seven pages in three hours.” I laughed a bit. “It’s pretty impressive.”

“Because all these things we’re feeling are new, we don’t know what they are yet.” He stopped and waited for me to say something, when I didn’t he continued. “It’s your choice Maya, it’s your happiness. And happiness comes at a cost.

“Farkle you said you wouldn’t tell anyone. How could you do this to me?”

“I’m doing it for you. You should know that by now, I love you and I just-” He sighed. “I want you to be happy. You’ll thank me for this one day.”

It was almost New Years and I was sitting down next to Riley. I was going to have to come clean soon. Not about the cutting, that would be kept a secret. But my crush on Riley, that was going to come out. Farkle would say it if I didn’t.

He would out me.

So I did it. I came out to Riley.

“Hey, Riley I-I have something I need to tell you,” I stammered. “It’s kinda important.”

Riley’s eyes softened and she gave me a small smile. She looked as if she was sure she knew what I was going to say. “It’s about you and Lucas, isn’t it?”

“No!” I looked at the ground for a moment. “I-it’s about who I am, Riles.”

“Peaches, what’s going on?”

“Riley, I’m...I’m gay.”

“But what about Lucas?” Riley asked.

“Never liked him.”

And then the clock hit midnight. Farkle kept his promise, right then and there he said it. “Maya likes Riley.”

Riley stumbled a bit in shock, and I could feel the awkward tension between us. She stood up and walked towards the way down from the roof, said “Happy New Year,” and tooted her horn.

And I ran. I ran as far away as I could make it. Because I couldn't face my best friend. I just couldn’t. Not now that she knows I like her.

And everyone on that roof knows one of my dirty little secrets. That I’m gay.

That I like girls.

That I like Riley.


	2. Chapter 2

My tired yet anxious heart was beating strongly in my chest by the time I got home. My phone was being spammed with messages from Farkle and Riley, and I didn’t have the heart to look at any of them. I threw my phone across the room and collapsed into bed, my arm stinging slightly from fabric digging into my cuts. I closed my eyes for a minute, my mind instantly traveling to what had happened just before I left. When Farkle announced my crush on Riley. 

“It’s going to be okay, you just have to get Farkle to say that he was joking. Maybe they won’t believe him, maybe, just maybe, you still have a chance at redeeming this horrible situation,” I whispered to myself. “No, that’ll never happen. You’re out now, Maya. You’re out and you can’t go back in the closet. You have to deal with this. But you can't-” I let out a deep sign and ran my fingers through my long hair. “Maybe I should just go through with the plan…” As I contemplated what to do now that my deepest darkest secret is known by all, my eyes fluttered shut and I fell into a deep and nightmarish sleep. 

  
  


The next day I failed to leave my bed, my mom didn’t notice, and if she did, she didn’t care. The next day, I was feeling a bit better about everything, and I made the decision to leave my house. I wanted to see Riley one last time before I went through with the scary idea lodged in my brain. 

Suicide. 

Leaving my house and going to the Matthews’. That decision changed my life. 

  
  


I left my phone at home, a decision I had yet to regret by the time I slid into Rileys bay window. She tackled me into a hug the moment she noticed me, and didn’t let go until I began to squirm. 

“Peaches, are you okay?” She asked me. “I’ve been texting you like crazy, and you never replied...I-I was worried about you. Real worried.” 

“I’m fine.” I told her. “Look, about what Farkle said, I-”

“I know what you’re going to say and I’m not going to let you say it because I know what he said was the truth.” I moved away from Riley a bit in case she felt uncomfortable around me, she didn’t seem to notice though. 

“I’m sorry that happened, Maya. He didn’t have the right to say that,” Riley said. “You deserve to be able to keep that hidden. But you’re still my best friend. You always will be.” 

“Thanks Riles,” I looked down at my hands and I saw that my sleeve had slipped a little. One of my cuts was showing. 

Riley noticed it as well. “Maya, what's this?” She grabbed my arm and rolled up my sleeve. “What happened to you?”

“I happened.” I admitted. “Don’t tell anyone please-” Riley stood up whilst gripping my arm. Hard. So hard that I had no choice but to follow her. She brought me to the living room where her parents were sitting and watching TV. 

“Hey Maya,” Mr. Matthews said. 

“Mom, dad,” Riley addressed her parents. “Mayas been hurting herself.”

My heart dropped right then and there. I never wanted anyone to find out about that. Especially not Riley and her family. 

  
  
  


I was left with Mrs. Matthews, sitting on the toilet seat in their bathroom, with my sleeve rolled up as Mrs. Matthews gathered some materials she could use to clean my cuts. I traced one of the newer ones as I waited, the memories of why the cut had been added to my collection floating throughout my brain. 

“Maya, I’m going to have to tell your mom about this, honey. You know that right?” I looked down at the floor kicking my feet slightly. 

“Please don’t,” I whispered. “I don’t- she can’t know about this. She’s already got so much on her plate.” 

“I know,” Mrs. Matthews softly said while brushing a piece of my hair out of my face, “But I have to tell her about this, okay.” 

“Okay,” My throat felt dry. 

“Now hold your arm out for me, and keep it still so I can clean these for you.” 

I did as I was told. 

  
  


When Mrs. Matthews was done cleaning up my arm she brought me out to the kitchen where Mr. Matthews and Riley were sitting. They had a plate of cookies out on the table and Riley was munching on one. 

“Now girls, and Corey, we’re going to have a little talk about self-harm,” Riley took my hand in hers and squeezed it. I was almost positive she did that so I wouldn’t run away, which was something I considered doing. But they’d just find me anyways so I stayed right where I was. 

“Maya, you do know the risks of self-harm, right?” Mr. Matthews asked.

“I do.”

“Why do you do it?”

“Because I’m not worth being here. My dad left because of me and my mom has to work overtime most of the time. Also, I’m gay, which means I go against god without even trying to, and I’m just a depressed loser who isn’t worth your love. Who isn’t worth anyone's love.” I broke down crying halfway through that sentence. 

“Maya-” Riley pulled me into a hug and when she let go of me I wiped away my tears. “You’re worth my love and so much more. You deserve every good thing this world has to offer.”

“I should go.” 

“No,” Riley grabbed my good arm and pulled me back towards the table. “We went and visited your mom at Topengas, and she agreed with us that it would be better if you stayed here for a while. Just until we know you’ll be safe at home. Since she’s usually working all day-”

  
“You what?” My voice cracked in fear.

“It’s just- she said you stayed in bed for like two whole days and she knows you haven’t been taking your prozac. Which by the way you never took when we had sleepovers!”   
  


“Riley, I don’t take it in general.” 

“But it's supposed to help you…” 

“I don’t want it’s help, I do fine by myself.”

“Well, Maya, since you’re staying with us, you’re going to take it.” Mr. Matthews said as he passed me my pill and a glass of water. “So take it.”

I got up out of my chair and headed towards the door trying to make a run for it. But then, I heard Riley say my name.

“Maya, please.” 

My heart stopped in my chest when I heard her plea, and I turned around and looked back at the Matthews. Corey, Topanga, Riley. The only one missing was little Auggie, who was most likely playing in his room. 

They were all nice to me, they kept me safe and fed for the longest time. All they wanted to do was help me. I wouldn’t let them do something as simple as that. 

So I did as I was asked, I walked back to the table, put the pill in my mouth and drank a bit of water to help it go down. 

“Now that that’s settled, let's go back to your place Maya, and help you pack. You might be here a while,” Mrs. Matthews said. 

  
“Wait, there's one thing I think y’all should have,” I pulled the razor blade out of my pocket and placed it on the table. “It’s probably best that I don’t keep it.” 

“Maya, I think it would be better if you threw it away yourself,” Riley interjected. “Step one of getting better.” 

“Riley I really sh-” Riley put the blade in my hand.

“You know where the garbage can is.” 

I squeezed the blade in the palm of my hand and carefully walked over to the trash, where I let the blade fall to its doom. I would never see my old reliable friend again. But that’s okay because I have Riley and her family. 

They would make sure I never used it again, anyways. Now that I’m beginning to heal, I think my future might be a bit brighter than it was before anyways. Riley accepts me for who I am, as well as her family, and thats all I can ask for at the end of the day. A family who cares. Even though I’m not biological, I’m still apart of the family, and that makes me worthy of their love. 

That makes me worthy to be healed. 


End file.
